1. Condescendingly shit-talk the music publishing industry/the writer in question’s critical voice for not living up to your impossibly Bangsian standards before going in the for the kiss.

2. Ask her if she has ever heard of some band you like. When she says no, make exaggeratedly incredulous comments about how dubious it is that she should be allowed to write about music when she’s never even listened to your favorite band, man! Then offer to buy her a drink.

3. While outside for a smoke break, begin a sneaky conversational game of Obscure Music Trivia, Classic Rock Bandleader Name Trivia or anything else designed to show off your knowledge of music-related data. Next, grab her ass as she leans over the table during a game of pool.

4. Smugly offer to put her on the list at your next show.

5. Instead of making time to be interviewed properly for a story, just try telling her all the things you want to say for the article at a bar at 1 am. When she doesn’t remember or print any of it, berate her via email. Then tell her how badly and for how long you have been wanting to know what color her nipples are. Bonus: tell her out loud what color you think they are.

6. Make comments about how great it is to see a beautiful, Julliard-educated standing bass player in a local band, because, you know, so many girls in bands are just a pretty face without really any musical chops. Invite her to come “hang” while your band records, and can she please bring some beer?

3 thoughts on “how to definitely not get laid by a music writer

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